Who is my family? Who is my family!
I have often asked my self this question. I think sometimes it depends on what day it is. Yep! That is what I think.
Well there are the people that you are born into as brothers and sisters and mom and dad. Then there is the whole in-law angle, with the brothers and the sisters and all the kids...dear god. And the mother-in-law and the dad-in-laws.
Then there are the non-traditional in laws, you know the ones that are that way. I will leave the interpretation of that way up to you who are reading this verbal spewing.
Anyway, these are the one's, whom, although you love them, were given to you by someone else, as a special gift. (no for real, stop sniggering this minute).
I loved my mother and father in law. I haven't seen them since 1987. They were good to me and loved me as if I had been born into the family as one of the blood kin.
I lost a lot when i divorced my ex-wife.
In at least one or two ways my ex and I are still family. we keep up on family matters, such as loved one's passing into eternity and an occasional Christmas memory.
We are not enemies, I am blessed.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Mourning The Olde Life
I was at a 12 Step meeting tonight and the topic of mourning the old life became a part of the conversation. This speaks to me of the space that is left blank inside my guts when I have chosen to live something new. I have found that whenever I take a stand for something, all the other versions of me that lie just below the surface of consciousness, start to scream and try their best to get me to renege on my choice to grow.
The other bits of myself,which have been in control, fight to remain in control through, my thoughts, my feelings, and by the way that my body feels. These voices tell me that I am stupid for wanting to change or that the change will only bring pain or loss of friends. Another me will be the depressed one that wants to mope and remember the good times and glories past. Sometimes depression even raises it's ugly head and I need to seek the counsel of a sponsor, friend, or professional.
Then there is the way that my body feels that adds to the stress of being someone new. I may have a stiff neck or sick to my stomach. Maybe I am nervous and shaky or want to cry as i try and relive my old life through euphoric recall. Sometimes for a moment or an hour the memory is pleasant and my chest is filled with satisfaction and maybe a cool rush up the back of my neck while remembering a good time from the past.
This is as good as dwelling in the past will get...a euphoric memory of before I was a slave to my addiction.
The suggestion was made to write a letter to the old life. A good bye letter. A good bye to unhealthy behaviors, attitudes, fears, regrets. A letter of amends to oneself. A letter of completion. A letter of choosing to be present with what really happened and choosing to be transformed.
As with all mourning, for healing to begin, there must be a willingness to heal. So, I have come back to the stand I have taken. If I am to be sober and remain so, or wish to transform my old life into limitless possibility, I cannot dwell in the past. I must be present in the here and now through recognizing my thoughts, saying exactly how I feel, and recognize what my body is doing. This will bring me into the moment and into being absolutely alive.
The other bits of myself,which have been in control, fight to remain in control through, my thoughts, my feelings, and by the way that my body feels. These voices tell me that I am stupid for wanting to change or that the change will only bring pain or loss of friends. Another me will be the depressed one that wants to mope and remember the good times and glories past. Sometimes depression even raises it's ugly head and I need to seek the counsel of a sponsor, friend, or professional.
Then there is the way that my body feels that adds to the stress of being someone new. I may have a stiff neck or sick to my stomach. Maybe I am nervous and shaky or want to cry as i try and relive my old life through euphoric recall. Sometimes for a moment or an hour the memory is pleasant and my chest is filled with satisfaction and maybe a cool rush up the back of my neck while remembering a good time from the past.
This is as good as dwelling in the past will get...a euphoric memory of before I was a slave to my addiction.
The suggestion was made to write a letter to the old life. A good bye letter. A good bye to unhealthy behaviors, attitudes, fears, regrets. A letter of amends to oneself. A letter of completion. A letter of choosing to be present with what really happened and choosing to be transformed.
As with all mourning, for healing to begin, there must be a willingness to heal. So, I have come back to the stand I have taken. If I am to be sober and remain so, or wish to transform my old life into limitless possibility, I cannot dwell in the past. I must be present in the here and now through recognizing my thoughts, saying exactly how I feel, and recognize what my body is doing. This will bring me into the moment and into being absolutely alive.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Gratitude
Hello everyone.
Tonight I was at an A.A. meeting and the topic of gratitude came up for discussion. Several comments were shared about being grateful for what we have and focusing less on what we do not have.
The Idea of making a daily gratitude list came up in one comment. Gratitude lists are a great way to begin to teach ourselves that we can receive good things in life. We create something tangible to read every day, as we add things to our list.
As we become conscious of being thankful for things such as air to breathe or food to eat, we begin to recognize thankfulness in other ways as we just live life day by day.
One person said, "I began to look for things to write on my list, because I knew that I was going to be making it later that night".
There is power in writing down things onto paper. They become real and something to hold in our hands and in our minds. I am thankful for many things in my life. Here are just a few of them. I almost died in 2003 of liver cirrhosis, but I didn't. I woke up this morning and had oatmeal for breakfast...with cinnamon..and it was delicious. My best friend spent two days with me this week while visiting from Arizona and it was so mentally and spiritually refreshing to me.
Last weekend I attended the Landmark Forum and learned that decisions that I made when I was three years old about how life occurs, became the filter through which I was still seeing my life at fifty three years old. I recognized and distinguished the incidents in which I made this decision and its power just melted away and I WAS FREE in my mind and spirit in a way that I have never been in all of my life. I am thankful for close friends and card games, Dairy Queen and red leaves in the fall and still having all my limbs.
You see...it doesn't matter what is written into the gratitude list. Great or small is only in the mind of the one who is having the experience.
Another thing that writing a gratitude list does is creates a space in the present moment where we can recognize what is happening right now ,rather than wallowing in the regrets of the past. So, we get a better attitude when we are thankful. I sure do. Hey, I woke up this morning and there wasn't grass growing over the top of my head. That sure improves MY attitude. In the space of good attitude, good things happen and my list gets longer and more good things happen.
A final idea that comes to me in regards to attitude is that it helps me step out of a space of depression and into new and fresh ideas about life and helps me recognize possibilities of good things that will come to me. Rah! Peace, everyone
Tonight I was at an A.A. meeting and the topic of gratitude came up for discussion. Several comments were shared about being grateful for what we have and focusing less on what we do not have.
The Idea of making a daily gratitude list came up in one comment. Gratitude lists are a great way to begin to teach ourselves that we can receive good things in life. We create something tangible to read every day, as we add things to our list.
As we become conscious of being thankful for things such as air to breathe or food to eat, we begin to recognize thankfulness in other ways as we just live life day by day.
One person said, "I began to look for things to write on my list, because I knew that I was going to be making it later that night".
There is power in writing down things onto paper. They become real and something to hold in our hands and in our minds. I am thankful for many things in my life. Here are just a few of them. I almost died in 2003 of liver cirrhosis, but I didn't. I woke up this morning and had oatmeal for breakfast...with cinnamon..and it was delicious. My best friend spent two days with me this week while visiting from Arizona and it was so mentally and spiritually refreshing to me.
Last weekend I attended the Landmark Forum and learned that decisions that I made when I was three years old about how life occurs, became the filter through which I was still seeing my life at fifty three years old. I recognized and distinguished the incidents in which I made this decision and its power just melted away and I WAS FREE in my mind and spirit in a way that I have never been in all of my life. I am thankful for close friends and card games, Dairy Queen and red leaves in the fall and still having all my limbs.
You see...it doesn't matter what is written into the gratitude list. Great or small is only in the mind of the one who is having the experience.
Another thing that writing a gratitude list does is creates a space in the present moment where we can recognize what is happening right now ,rather than wallowing in the regrets of the past. So, we get a better attitude when we are thankful. I sure do. Hey, I woke up this morning and there wasn't grass growing over the top of my head. That sure improves MY attitude. In the space of good attitude, good things happen and my list gets longer and more good things happen.
A final idea that comes to me in regards to attitude is that it helps me step out of a space of depression and into new and fresh ideas about life and helps me recognize possibilities of good things that will come to me. Rah! Peace, everyone
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Single Sail
Single Sail
When you think that you are a single sail,
On an ocean with no other sail in sight,
Remember:
Only looking for another sail,
will not bring you solace that will last.
The island where you lodge is purest hope.
When you think that you are a single sail,
On an ocean with no other sail in sight,
Remember:
Only looking for another sail,
will not bring you solace that will last.
The island where you lodge is purest hope.
I wrote this while listening to Melissa Manchester sing Someone To Watch Over Me, on the occasion of at least the 100th birthday of composer George Gershwin. It's meaning has changed for me over the years. There is hope in the words yes,and the idea that deeply knowing oneself is a key to satisfaction in life.
This speaks of being profoundly present in each moment that we live and being in each experience for the sake of the experience. Much of life is lived looking through the filters of past experiences.
If we had an experience that we either liked or disliked, we created a meaning to the experience and then brought that same meaning forward with us into the present. We then look at new experiences through the meaning that we created for that single, original experience.
This, then leaves to respond to a situation when we are an adult in the same manner as when were just a youngster.
What is exciting is, that, now as an adult I can revisit the meaning that I gave to the original experience. If it was a fearful experience i can write down my thoughts about it, write down my feelings about it, and recognize how my body is feeling, thereby being in the experience as an alive person, in the moment ,rather than through the filter of meaning that I assigned to the original experience. Rah Rah Rah!!!
More later. Thanks for the read. rawls1956
This speaks of being profoundly present in each moment that we live and being in each experience for the sake of the experience. Much of life is lived looking through the filters of past experiences.
If we had an experience that we either liked or disliked, we created a meaning to the experience and then brought that same meaning forward with us into the present. We then look at new experiences through the meaning that we created for that single, original experience.
This, then leaves to respond to a situation when we are an adult in the same manner as when were just a youngster.
What is exciting is, that, now as an adult I can revisit the meaning that I gave to the original experience. If it was a fearful experience i can write down my thoughts about it, write down my feelings about it, and recognize how my body is feeling, thereby being in the experience as an alive person, in the moment ,rather than through the filter of meaning that I assigned to the original experience. Rah Rah Rah!!!
More later. Thanks for the read. rawls1956
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