Mourning The Olde Life

I was at a 12 Step meeting tonight and the topic of mourning the old life became a part of the conversation. This speaks to me of the space that is left blank inside my guts when I have chosen to live something new. I have found that whenever I take a stand for something, all the other versions of me that lie just below the surface of consciousness, start to scream and try their best to get me to renege on my choice to grow.
The other bits of myself,which have been in control, fight to remain in control through, my thoughts, my feelings, and by the way that my body feels. These voices tell me that I am stupid for wanting to change or that the change will only bring pain or loss of friends. Another me will be the depressed one that wants to mope and remember the good times and glories past. Sometimes depression even raises it's ugly head and I need to seek the counsel of a sponsor, friend, or professional.
Then there is the way that my body feels that adds to the stress of being someone new. I may have a stiff neck or sick to my stomach. Maybe I am nervous and shaky or want to cry as i try and relive my old life through euphoric recall. Sometimes for a moment or an hour the memory is pleasant and my chest is filled with satisfaction and maybe a cool rush up the back of my neck while remembering a good time from the past.
This is as good as dwelling in the past will get...a euphoric memory of before I was a slave to my addiction.
The suggestion was made to write a letter to the old life. A good bye letter. A good bye to unhealthy behaviors, attitudes, fears, regrets. A letter of amends to oneself. A letter of completion. A letter of choosing to be present with what really happened and choosing to be transformed.
As with all mourning, for healing to begin, there must be a willingness to heal. So, I have come back to the stand I have taken. If I am to be sober and remain so, or wish to transform my old life into limitless possibility, I cannot dwell in the past. I must be present in the here and now through recognizing my thoughts, saying exactly how I feel, and recognize what my body is doing. This will bring me into the moment and into being absolutely alive.